Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Of which I talk about longing, idolizing, and self-hating. 

I'm no stranger to any of those three things. 
Today I discovered that about a month, 3 YouTubers who I looked up to (and understatement) my freshman year of high school were just under accusation and accusal of mental and sexual abuse of fans. My whole understanding of the world changed (also an understatement). 

It's not secret that I put all of my hope and desire into the littlest of things, and hope for the best without fail. During this time of my life--three and a half years ago--I was clinically depressed and vulnerable. As impressionable as I was, I latched onto this idea of strangeness and non-conformity. These 3 males were incredibly popular and well-liked, even though they were all incredibly different and strange than most people. I idolized that idea of uniqueness and tried to emulate it in my own life. Three and a half years later, with this coming to the forefront, I almost feel guilty for idolizing such people. 

Suddenly I understood the shallowness of the surface we see of people.

This is why I wanted to talk about longing. I have such a terrible habit of idolizing people, even some I know personally. I create this image of a person and latch onto it, wishing I would be more like them, longing to be anyone but myself... to be in a different situation than my own. But yet, this image is so falsified and blown out of proportion that I lose the humanity in it. I have a feeling this is true for most of us. The issue is that it is such a dangerous thing to do; by putting so much effort into an idea of a person it's all the more reason to have your hopes pretty much shattered by the truth.

I feel like this is a topic that, most times, is skated over. The media thrives on this idolization and "image" of celebrities. Each person has his or her own brand, and we are bred to obsess over it and deny ourselves in hopes to one day be like the people on TV.

It kinda sucks. Self-hate is pushed and pushed, no matter what front the media will put on. I guess my point is that while having idols and people to look up to is fun and you should definitely have goals and hopes and dreams, be careful. I say this because sometimes we wear our hearts on our sleeves and we put ourselves down in the process.

Sorry for two "omg look how deep I am" posts in a row, just thoughts and stuff.


Monday, April 21, 2014


Recently I've been having thoughts about identity. What makes me who I am? What can I be identified as? How many layers of "self" are there to humans?

I've been doing quite a bit of creating--drawing, sewing, anything that flexes my creative muscles--without the need for thought of sharing it with others. I have been creating for myself, and I think that's why my work has improved greatly. I am no longer creating for other people. This is why I've taken a little leave of absence from most social media (besides Instagram, but even then I haven't been uploading too frequently).

It's almost sort of awkward trying to write down what I'm thinking on this blog! I'm not used to forming my thoughts in a semi-eloquent manner, haha.

But back to my original thought: identity. It's weird to think about how we use our outer shells as a way of advertising ourselves to the world. Seven billion other people are thinking just as you are, yet we all feel compelled to share our individual thoughts. I like to think about this because it makes me wonder about uniqueness and how we define ourselves, and how each one of us is an individual, we just have a vast number of individuals.

It also comforts me to think that 7 billion people are able to think about this, and contemplate all of the different pieces of life. It is amazing how many humans exist and what we're capable of.

Well anyway, on the thought of Identity I took a few photos a couple of days ago based around this idea of how we define ourselves. If you strip down the image of a person, and all that's left is a shell, can you still identify them?

I'm back permanently now, I promise. :*